change is okay

as i sit in my room looking around at its bizarre emptiness, i remember how much i hate moving. the packing and unpacking, the traveling to somewhere else, and, my real least favorite part, the actual moving of the boxes. both of my parents have shoulder injuries so it's my daughterly duty to carry the heaviest things despite the fact that i have twigs for arms. i've moved seven or eight times in my college career. i'm getting quite good at it. i told myself when i moved into this apartment in september that i wasn't really going to settle in here because i wasn't going to be home that often and i'd only be living here for the school year. those nine months have come and gone and, strangely, this is where i've felt the most at home in my four years in boston. i didn't really settle in all that much and i haven't spent a lot of time here, but something about this place feels special to me. something i've learned in the past few months is how important it is to have a good relationship with yourself. this room was where i really grew to know myself in my times of greatest success and failure. this space was mine; it wasn't a dorm room or someone else's apartment. maybe that's why it feels so special? i don't really know for sure.

butterflies. i've been seeing them a lot recently. according to fancy internet research, they symbolize transformations or changes of the soul. i'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and i'm pretty sure my constant butterfly sightings are more than a funny coincidence. last night i was feeling this weird mix of emotions that wasn't really recognizable and that frustrated me. i was walking down the street thinking about how frustrated i was with myself and my mind wandered to different tangents that made me question parts of my past and my future and, just as i was at the peak of my inner argument, i saw something that caught my eye. it had orange wings with brown spots. it landed on a nearby car. it was a butterfly. i still don't know how i feel about my day yesterday but i know that that's okay. i'm undergoing some kind of transformation. i can only move forward. and if i grow some beautiful orange wings and learn how to fly, that's fine with me.

just listen. "rewind."

what's in your head?

a lot has happened since april 9th. i've had three or four posts swirling around in my brain since then and i just haven't had the time to write them out, but now i have endless amounts of time and less things to do. so here we are.

my life has been consumed for the past month by this magical experience called 'senior showcase' which was the most bizarre thing i've ever been a part of. everyone has their own [strong] feelings about it. how do i feel? i loved it. i always make wishes at 11:11 and they have this funny tendency to never come true. in the blackout, i wished for the lights to come back on. i've wished for relationships to happen or continue. i've made wishes about my near-immediate future. none of them have ever come true. my 11:11 pm wish last friday was that i would have a fun showcase experience. and i did. i ate lots of good food, saw some great theatre, performed with my friends, and strutted around the city in some trendy heels. there were difficult moments but we got through them. when i look back at this strange week, i hope these moments are what i remember. that and the fact that one of my 11:11 wishes came true.

-bad segue-

the main gist of these mysterious other posts i've been thinking but not writing is this: i am not the same person i was at the beginning of the year, and i couldn't be happier. i'm so glad that the life i was living completely fell apart because it meant that i could put together my own life just the way i wanted it. i have no idea how it all happened but i'm glad it did.

and now, music.

there is something about "white blank page" by mumford & sons that has stuck with me since i heard it on thursday. i really couldn't tell you what it is. still trying to figure it out. it's so simple, beautiful, and haunting.

what's that? you were looking for a great acoustic cover of a song originally done by the cranberries? don't you worry, i have just what you need. "zombie" as covered by jay brannan.

for your walking-down-the-street-and-i-need-to-feel-awesome days, i give you ghostwriter by rjd2. this song is also great for washing dishes or doing something really mundane. especially around 1:33.

peace, love, and music.