it's just overkill

a letter to the do-er.

hello, friend. you may wonder why i'm writing to you but, i assure, i have good reason. you see, i am also a do-er. i am a do-er undergoing a lifestyle change and reevaluating my choices and habits. i've recently learned some important information that i feel i must share with you: you cannot do everything and be happy. you cannot do many things and be happy. you cannot even do a handful of things without sacrificing some part of yourself. 'but grace,' you say, 'that's ridiculous. i always do everything and i'm happy. you are lying to me!' i was in your position not too long ago, friend, and what i've learned is that a do-er in the midst of doing is usually unable to see the effect their doing is having on themselves. it is only in times of self-reflection and not doing that we are able to see what parts of ourselves get lost through doing too many things.

there is a fine line between doing things you want to do and doing everything because you find happiness in keeping busy. i am guilty of the latter. in order to distract myself from my own feelings, i sacrificed my sanity, health, and well-being to sit in the light booth in the basement of a studio theater for days on end. was i happy? occasionally, in the short term. reflecting on that time, i see that my late nights and my unfulfilled need to do led me to go too far; i did so much in addition to what was required of me (schoolwork, etc.,) that i had no time to take care of myself. one night, after a long couple of months of non-stop doing, i slept for twelve hours straight. when i woke up the next morning, i felt different. i felt alive, energized, and happy. i realized i hadn't felt this way for some time, and i thought about why. i had been doing too much. it was only after the doing that i was able to look back and figure out what had gone wrong.

my advice to you, my fellow do-er, is this:

don't do everything or a lot of things simultaneously because other people want you to. don't choose to do things so you can avoid something else. do whatever you want to do because you want to do it. do things because you love them. do things that will make you happy. be realistic with yourself and know what you can and can't handle. you only have one self so you should probably take care of it.

yours in doing,
grace

-sidebar: today's title comes from "overkill" by colin hay. no particular reason for this other than the fact that it came up on my iphone thrice today-

they say if you start looking, it doesn't matter if you find it

but who's to say that even if i did, it's what i'm really looking for?

truth bombs often go off when we least expect them. they also have this funny tendency to make a loud noise and explode when we'd really prefer that they don't drop at all. to clarify, a truth bomb is the revelation of a truth that shakes you and stays with you for a while. i liken it to looking for your keys and you've looked everywhere but you can't find them until finally you realize that you've been holding them in your hand the entire time you were searching for them. that realization is a truth bomb. minor, but it makes its presence known. you have a physical reaction to it (an exhale, a release, a grunt of frustration?) and, in a way, it haunts you. from now on you make a conscious effort to put your keys in the same place so that you don't have this embarrassing situation happen again. this is a pretty minor truth bomb, but it still counts. i've found that seeing a therapist invites truth bombs to drop constantly. my months have been spent cleaning up the debris these pleasant/unpleasant revelations bring out.

lately i've been struggling with the problem of having extra feelings. i think pt anderson put it best in his tremendous film, "magnolia;" "i really do have love to give, i just don't know where to put it." as my love grew, my heart had to grow to make sure there was enough room. even though my personal situation has changed, the love is still there. not the same kind of love, but an energy. a focus. an awareness. at the end of the day, when i go to bed, there is still much of me that has gone unused. my struggle is what to do with it. i've been lucky enough to avoid this problem until now by throwing myself into various projects, but now that those things have come to a close, my life is still too empty for my heart to feel fulfilled. i've tried to put that energy into relationships, classwork, and self-care, but that feeling of accomplishment and joy is missing. the truth bomb that went off on monday had to do with this particular dilemma.

someone suggested to me that i make a boston bucket list as a way to use some of this extra love; a list of everything i've wanted to do in boston as a college student but never got around to doing (or haven't done in a long time). my first draft list includes visiting the ica and the mfa, walking the entire freedom trail without cheating, seeing a concert at house of blues, having a picnic in the common, get lost in the north end, go to a sox game, take the t to the end of the line, explore davis square, go to an open mic night, go to the quaker meetinghouse in cambridge, and eat at a barbara lynch restaurant. my free time this week has been spent brainstorming what other things i can experience here. it's fun, exciting, different, and the perfect way for me to end my time here.

-bad segue-

as i hinted in my last post, music is an integral part of who i am. i'm an only child and an introvert, so music became my best friend pretty early on. what i think i love most about the wide world of music is that no one will ever be able to know every single piece of music that exists. it is constantly changing and growing and it's really just an infinite field.

songs that you should know/listen to/purchase on itunes immediately:

-"surrounded" by chantal kreviazuk. her voice is so full of yearning and hate and fight that i can't listen to this song without feeling transported to a different time when i felt surrounded and overwhelmed. she wrote this song about her boyfriend who took his own life. all of her music is incredible but this is the one song of hers that i keep coming back to.

-"little talks" by of monsters and men. i'm fairly new to this band, but the music of theirs that i've heard is easy and warm but the lyric is usually more cryptic and haunting. they fit into that new category of folk/indie that is becoming more mainstream; they have such a unique sound both vocally and instrumentally.

-"heaven when we're home" by the wailin' jennys. the title/subtitle of this post are lyrics from this song. this song alone has gotten me through the worst times in my life. if you choose to listen to only one song, please make it this one. it's a great first-song-of-the-day song too.

happy wednesday.

i love you because you gave me sausage and cheese when i was hungry

welcome, dear reader, to my blog. there is no real rhyme or reason why i have a fancy new blog, but something about it just felt right.

for about seven years i had a xanga which actually still exists somewhere out in the interweb. i started it when i was thirteen because everyone else had one and i felt left out. that xanga page has chronicled my middle school and high school years, a little blurb of my college life, boyfriends, accomplishments and defeats, health problems, etc., i've thought about posting on there again recently but something about it didn't make sense to me. it felt like taking a step backwards and, at this point, moving backwards isn't an option.

over the few months, i've been on an intense and exhausting journey. it started on a long, hard train ride to philadelphia at midnight and i don't know when i can say this journey will be done. this blog, i guess, is my attempt to chronicle my life from where i am now to where i'm going. the next steps in the journey of self-discovery. my next step is to connect. connect with people, earth, air, water and trees.

the title of this blog and this post come from the song "earth air water trees" by the mountain goats. it's kind of silly and simple and sweet but something about it sticks with me. do i love anyone because they gave me sausage and cheese when i was hungry? no, but i love music. methinks that will be a recurring theme on this blog...

"take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. you will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body."
- oliver wendell holmes